Saturday, January 1, 2011
Seriously, first day of the new year, had been crying already. What's wrong with me? When sleeping, i just can't stop crying. Can't stop. All those upset things are stuck in my mind, i keep on thinking that i'm not that important to anyone now, nobody's even listening to me. But i'm glad that i have my blogger, so that i can blog my feelings outta my head. all this things which are happening to me, are totally unfair. I'm always treating in a different way from the others.
Even if i need a listening ear, nobody's even wanting to listen to my stupid craps. Nobody would listen to me. Glad that there's one. Valerie, my dearest friend. But she's not the one i'm hoping for to be listening to me. The only guy for me. The only guy whom loved me more than anyone else. But i guess, he just doesn't even want to talk to me anymore :(
I just need a hug, a hug from my love one. So i can feel much more better. But no, nobody's even there for me, how pathetic i am huh? I guess i'm just a girl which deserves nobody's love and i can even just go and die. Nobody even care about me, nobody. Nobody would. Except for some. What am i to you people? A strong girl? Which you all can bully me? NO, i'm a seriously weak girl. And i have a very fragile heart. And now, it's break into pieces and lots of piece.
I wonder why god is not fair to me. I did nothing wrong. I tried my best. Human makes mistakes, they lie, they cry, it's parcel of our life. But mine is the worst, crying=my daily job. I've promised alot of people to not do silly things like cutting my hand with penknife and i won't do it. So now, what i would do is that i drown myself in the water. Best. No pain, no anything. Nobody would be there to save me, nobody would even stop me. Nobody would even do funeral for me, my mother hates me, everybody hates me.
I sometimes wonder, if i've ever crossed his mind. If i've ever been cared, doted, or somebody have ever did anything sweet to me. I'm glad some people would do that. But not everyone would... Dissapointments and more dissapointments. Ain't ir good? All of you are treating me like i'm someone which can tahan anything. But no, i've controlled real long. And i can't control on anymore. I need a break, a relaxing and quiet break.
I need to rely only on that one man. That only man which meant to me alot. But if he doesn't even care, then why am i on this world? I can rely on nothing, but rely on myself? No point of doing all this by myself. It's hurting, seriously hurting, had to go thru all this pain, but in the end, i gained nothing but what i gained is MORE PAIN. Nice enough right? Yeah, fate's doing this to a girl which have a fragile heart.
I'm all alone by myself. Nobody's bothering me. And i can spend my own time on myself. I can pour my heart felts out to the nature. And let god hear me that i need him and the other person i need is that one man i loved deeply and whole-heartly. People said that getting hurt was fine. and they can get over it the next day... But me, i'm not the same, i can't get over it unless i'm cheered up, totally cheered up...
Love indeed is a crime and i have stolen his heart and he have stolen mine. So does it mean we both have to end up in jail? But now, he's breaking my heart, does that mean he have to sentence to death? I hope is a no. Cause no matter how much i get hurt or how deep i get hurt, i will still act like i'm okay. So that i would make him be happy.
He mean everything to me. So don't snatch him away. I really need him in my life, without him, i feel useless feel like dying. No matter what, i need him. i can't do a thing without him. I just need him. I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM I NEED HIM
I can act like i'm happy when i'm not. i can smile like mad just to make him happy and make him feel more comfortable. I WILL DO ANYTHING. And don't try to break us up, cause our heart is always joined as one! ALWAYS.
I would just only hope that he will hold my hand and walk together hand in hand forever. and i only hope that we two last forever. That's what i really wished for.
It's always one thing that i wished for, i wish i would be that girl to keep you awake and we can have long heart2heart talks. I really hope we can stay together forever, and do all our things together. Never ending relationships.
Really, i hope he understands me, but no, he doesn't even know how i feel now... Feel so, like... damn... not... cared... :( Anybody, save me from all this stupid hurting things, i really need to wake up and realise all this is just a dream, but... this is reality, i mustn't be so stubborn and live my childish life.
Well, i have to force a fake smile just to make people happy. And that is not the meaning that if i'm smiling, i'm happy... But no, i'm not even happy. This is all just faking and i'm sick of it. I really need a break for myself. A peaceful break... Like at the heaven?... Will stop all the emotional things here. Bye...